Abortion, Adoption, and RAD

Steve Jobs

If Steve Jobs’ mom would have had an abortion, we would  not have APPLE , MAC, iPad and the IPHONE.  There is no doubt that Steve Job made a difference in the world.   He was an innovator, a visionary, and a creative genius.

You might have one “Steve Jobs” sleeping in one of your bedroom at home.  (wishful thinking)

Steve Job Doll Sleeping

Steve Jobs admits that he was “unwelcomed baby” in his biological parents eyes.  His parents were just college students when they had him.  But, there is a “love” , even it was unrecognized at that time that occurred.  Instead of being aborted and exercising her mother’s right to choose, Steve Jobs’ mother gave him up for adoption.

We can relate to the adoptive parents of Steve Jobs even if we do not have more details to that.  Their private world is not difficult for us to imagine.  I am sure it was not an easy task to raise a boy with such a creative spirit, what more if there is a “slight”  attachment issue?  How many appliances did he destroy?  Did his adoptive parents support him all the way?  The more interesting question is when did he turn his life around?

Steve Jobs Garage

As you look at the “Steve Job” in your midst,  it is really hard to imagine if they will amount to anything.  They might be too immersed playing with “something” that they will not come to you immediately when you call them.  They may have just dropped out of school like Steve Jobs.

But one thing is for sure,  as a mother your vocation is very clear, that is, what God wants from you to do as a mission in your life is clear as crystal.     God chose you to be the mother of this RAD child.

Why?

Because you are a great mother filled with sacrificing love, grown skeptic over time.  But God knows you can (through your love)  make a difference in this world.

Loving your RAD Child through a Divine Heart

Do you experience your blood pressure rising when dealing with your RAD child every now and then?

One morning you wake up and without even any interaction with your RAD child, you feel blood rushing from your shoulders to your neck to the back of your neck.  The RAD child can give you a negative vibration such as this.

You rationalize these physical symptoms because you want to  . give your RAD child a fair chance.  You restrain yourself from reacting negatively or unfairly.  In reality, your RAD child is beginning to show some annoying behaviors.   However, you resolved to be patient.  You remind yourself that you must keep your promise not to be irritated at your RAD child over this trivial matter.

However, your RAD child can wear you out towards the middle of the day.  You find yourself correcting the situation you are in with him or her.  You either reprimand or you let your RAD child get the flack of his misbehavior.

What bothers me with RAD is when our child becomes  ”fish-brained”.  They forget the issue like they have Alzheimer’s.   But, it was just a few weeks ago when you explained the issue to them.  All of a sudden, because the day is different, a little different time of the day,  what you told him or her about a certain issue does not hold true anymore.

For example, an elderly lady in our parish told me that my 10 year old RAD boy keeps running along the hallway, uses items in the Church kitchen, and gets some snacks without permission.  Well, of course, my husband and I talked to our boy and made sure he understood that the Church property must be respected.

Did my RAD son get that?

It may seem so because he will be avoiding his past behavior when you are looking but will continue what he wants to do when you are not within sight.  This is a typical behavior of a RAD child – no integrity, no conscience.

This elderly woman goes back to me the next few weeks with a similar complaint.  My husband and I addressed the situation and reiterated the rules to our RAD boy.  A few logical consequences were also implemented. After 2-4 weeks of good behavior, you discover again one day that he disobeyed.

Not only does it drive you crazy, it does make your high blood pressure go up.  You raise your hands in surrender.

Though it all sounds exasperating, my spiritual director gave me a very good insight on how to continue loving this child.   He asked me to meditate on the Sacred Heart of Jesus and let Jesus teach me to love this child.     And, if I can’t at the moment love this child, to ask Jesus, to love this child for me.

The best way to meditate on the Sacred Heart of Jesus, after you get a visual representation of  Him,  is to recite the Litany of the Sacred Heart.   Each line of this prayer gives you a clue of the mystery of  the Divine Love that Jesus has in his heart.

In 1899 Pope Leo XIII approved this Litany of the Sacred Heart of Jesus for public use. This litany is actually a synthesis of several other litanies dating back to the 17th century. Father Croiset composed a litany in 1691 from which 17 invocations were used by Venerable Anne Madeleine Remuzat when she composed her litany in 1718 at Marseille. She joined an additional 10 invocations to those of Father Croiset, for a total of 27 invocations. Six more invocations written by Sister Madeleine Joly of Dijon in 1686 were added by the Sacred Congregation for Rites when it was approved for public use in 1899. This makes a total of 33 invocations, one for each year of life of our Lord Jesus Christ. A partial indulgence is attached to this litany.
Lord, have mercy Christ, have mercy Lord, have mercyChrist, hear us Christ, graciously hear us.God the Father of Heaven, God the Son, Redeemer of the world, God, the Holy Spirit, Holy Trinity, One God, Heart of Jesus, Son of the Eternal Father, Heart of Jesus, formed by the Holy Spirit in the womb of the Virgin Mother, Heart of Jesus, substantially united to the Word of God, Heart of Jesus, of Infinite Majesty, Heart of Jesus, Sacred Temple of God, Heart of Jesus, Tabernacle of the Most High, Heart of Jesus, House of God and Gate of Heaven, Heart of Jesus, burning furnace of charity, Heart of Jesus, abode of justice and love, Heart of Jesus, full of goodness and love, Heart of Jesus, abyss of all virtues, Heart of Jesus, most worthy of all praise, Heart of Jesus, king and center of all hearts, Heart of Jesus, in whom are all treasures of wisdom and knowledge, Heart of Jesus, in whom dwells the fullness of divinity, Heart of Jesus, in whom the Father was well pleased, Heart of Jesus, of whose fullness we have all received, Heart of Jesus, desire of the everlasting hills, Heart of Jesus, patient and most merciful, Heart of Jesus, enriching all who invoke Thee, Heart of Jesus, fountain of life and holiness, Heart of Jesus, propitiation for our sins, Heart of Jesus, loaded down with opprobrium, Heart of Jesus, bruised for our offenses, Heart of Jesus, obedient to death, Heart of Jesus, pierced with a lance, Heart of Jesus, source of all consolation, Heart of Jesus, our life and resurrection, Heart of Jesus, our peace and our reconciliation, Heart of Jesus, victim for our sins Heart of Jesus, salvation of those who trust in Thee, Heart of Jesus, hope of those who die in Thee, Heart of Jesus, delight of all the Saints,Lamb of God, who taketh away the sins of the world, Lamb of God, who taketh away the sins of the world, Lamb of God, who taketh away the sins of the world,V. Jesus, meek and humble of heart.	Lord, have mercy. Christ, have mercy. Lord, have mercy.Christ, hear us. Christ, graciously hear us.have mercy on us. have mercy on us. have mercy on us. have mercy on us. have mercy on us.have mercy on us.have mercy on us. have mercy on us. have mercy on us. have mercy on us.have mercy on us. have mercy on us. have mercy on us. have mercy on us. have mercy on us. have mercy on us. have mercy on us.have mercy on us. have mercy on us. have mercy on us. have mercy on us. have mercy on us. have mercy on us. have mercy on us. have mercy on us. have mercy on us. have mercy on us. have mercy on us. have mercy on us. have mercy on us. have mercy on us. have mercy on us. have mercy on us. have mercy on us. have mercy on us. have mercy on us. have mercy on us. spare us, O Lord. graciously hear us, O Lord. have mercy on us, O Lord. R. Make our hearts like to Thine.
Let us pray;Almighty and eternal God, look upon the Heart of Thy most beloved Son and upon the praises and satisfaction which He offers Thee in the name of sinners; and to those who implore Thy mercy, in Thy great goodness, grant forgiveness in the name of the same Jesus Christ, Thy Son, who livest and reignest with Thee forever and ever. Amen.

Read more:http://www.ewtn.com/devotionals/litanies/sacred_heart.htm#ixzz1YnnG3X36

The First Step is Meekness

It may not be convincing for you that Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)  is not purely a psychological disorder.  My blog views RAD as spiritual disorder.   Thus, the healing strategies I recommend are from my insights on how I am dealing with RAD from the spiritual realm.

Five years ago, I went to 3 therapists appointments a week for my children.   I also recall all those appointments for medicine changes with the psychiatrist.  I exhausted all available mental health resources both public and privately funded.  I spent a great deal of time reading books by authors  in the Reactive Attachment Disorder world.  6 out of my 9 children were medicated with drugs for ADHD, OCD, and they go for therapy for their many emotional issues.

When our son had a demonic manifestation early this year, my whole perspective of healing changed.  I had a wake up call.  I realized that though I was a practicing Catholic, I separated my Catholic faith from the healing of our children.  The healing of their souls was different from their healing from RAD.  And, this was my first error.

And, slowly as I was drawn to the Church and Her Sacraments, every week God reveals some healing work for my children.

But, there would be times that there seems to be a great obstacle to their healing from no where.  Or other times, it feels like their healing gets stunted and they regressed.

What I did not understand back then, is that our “pride” creates an obstacle to the healing of our children.  The pride that I am talking about is the pride that makes us annoyed with our children.  The pride that brings up labels for our children.  The pride that tells us that “only us” can solve the problem of our kids and that unless we think another expert can help us,  you won’t allow others to “touch” our RAD children.

We might even think that this is our God-given rights and that in smothering our children we are fulfilling our vocations.

The insight I am getting is that learning to be “meek and humble” are critical virtues in raising our RAD children.

It is almost like we are at “war” with RAD.  And, then somewhere along the lines, we are at war with our children.  And, then there is no peace between ourselves and our children.

My spiritual director keeps telling me,  “Be like Jesus:  Be meek and humble of heart”.  I know that but really I am not perfect like Jesus.  So, I am occasionally meek perhaps 10% of the time  but I give my best 110% of the time.  Does best effort count?

Meek and humble go together.  This makes me think that you cannot be humble and loud.  This means that in our tone of voice we have to be careful.  Though we might be saying the gentlest thing to our RAD children but if our voice is loud and stern, it defeats the purpose.

We cannot also be meek and stubborn. It is an opposite trait.  How many  “rules of the house” do we refuse to bend because it makes life comfortable and predictable for you?  How many of us will stick to our final word and risk hurting the hope of our children?

We cannot also be meek and domineering.  RAD kids do not thrive on authoritarian rule.  In fact, rebellion among our RAD children occurs  because they feel we are tyrants.  And, probably we are not.  But, somehow our manner of delivery of the “structure” they need is not gentle and meek.

When we start aspiring to be meek, our whole demeanor changes.  Our RAD kid might feel cautious that it will not last long.  They will start to test out the waters again until you lose  your temper.  Then they confirm that really it is a hopeless world.

But, be steadfast.  And, really learn how to be meek.

You need great examples?

Jesus is meek and humble.

His mother, our Blessed Mother, is meek and gentle.

If you can just be an actress for a while and act “meek”, how would you perform this role?

What is the Reality of Your RAD child?

We, as parents of RAD children, can easily make statements that the reality of our disordered child is way off.  It manifests in their “crazy lying”, paranoia and  lack of trust to us.  We based “reality” on our own moral compass or the family values we got as we were growing up.

Yesterday, I was researching on Catholic Sacred Music and by the grace of God was led to the vocations youtube video of the Maronite Monks of Adoration.  The vocations director in the short film explained their charism and the focus of their religious order.

In the middle of the video,  the insight I got about “reality” grabbed my attention.

The monk explained that there was a man who sort of served as their “errand boy” to the outside world.  The villagers in the locality asked this man if the monks consider him as their “contact” to the real world.

The man surprisingly told the locals that in fact, it was the other way around and that the monks are his contact to “reality”.

The vocations director relates that “God is reality.  That is the real thing. God himself.  When you live a life without God, you call that the real world , but that is the  illusion.  That is why it is frantic and crazy, because they are missing the one thing that is real.”

This is a great food for thought in our lives with our RAD children.   As we straighten out their  “reality”, we must not forget that our gauge of reality must be re-defined.

Do we think of our Catholic life as separate from the  “real things” that are occurring around us like  job, errands, children’s activities etc?  It may seem that what society demands for us is our real world and that our life of prayer is something we do as extra or as part of our real world.

We need to refocus our lenses.  We may be  aiming at a different target that is why everything in our RAD’s life are  blurry and without solution.  Perhaps, we need to focus our life’s camera to God, the Reality and let all other be at the background.

In our digital cameras, it now seems automatic that our camera re-focuses to the person or place or thing we are targetting and it gives us many options. Now, we must be patient and re-order our lives so that God will always be the center of our lives.

When I Can’t Forgive the RAD Behavior

Yesterday turned from an ecstatic morning to my worst nightmare.

I  began my day inviting the Holy Spirit to fill my heart.  I went to Holy mass and had many hours of prayer and adoration.

I went home filled with renewed strength.  I came across an article on “Praying to the Holy Spirit in Tongues”.  I never had any experience with Catholic Charismatics since I am always drawn to orthodoxy and the traditional Holy Mass.  However, out of curiosity, I just wanted to know what this is prayer is all about.

My interests stem from memories during the first demonic manifestation of my son.  If it was not for charismatics in our parish, my parish priest, who never experienced this kind of phenomenon, will be lost.  Our parish secretary was a charismatic with special gifts of deliverance and healing.  She was able to direct our parish priest on what to do when the devil manifested itself and became very violent inside the Church.

The ordeal took 5 hours.  The Charismatics just knew what to do.  They prayed in “tongues” which I later found out were prayers of the angels.  It is almost a direct language between the person’s spirit and the Holy Spirit.  It bypasses the intellect and goes directly from the spirit to then towards our God.

All I heard were strange sounds but I did not feel repulsive about it.  From  that time on, I had such respect for all Charismatics.  Their gifts are truly from the Holy Spirit and they give these gifts to others selflessly.    I began to realize my bias against them were fruitless.  Their ministry is very charitable and beautiful.

So, when I came across this article about “praying with the tongues”, I was glued to it yesterday.  I did have a desire to pray in “tongues” but I wanted to be sure that I won’t invite any evil spirit in the process, so I read more and more.

Then, my youngest kid, now a 5 year old  boy came up to me in tears.  He told me that his two brothers, 12 and 10 years old, put pillows on top of his face and he could not breathe.

It could just be “rough housing” but since I grew up in an “all girl’s school” and in a household with 3 female siblings, this is “murder” in my eyes.

I went to the bottom line of what happened,  after I read Genesis 37 on how the  half brothers of Joseph tried to get rid of him.  Is there something these boys can learn from this?

They reflected that they were playing and imagining about an “avalanche” .  The  12 yo boy puts the gigantic cushion pillows, sat on top of  the  5 yo to make it a more realistic suffocating experience.  As the 5 yo struggles to get out with a few more spaces of air available to him, the 12 yo called his  younger brother from the kitchen and commanded him to get more pillows “to cover all areas where air can possibly enter”. He told his younger brother to join him,  sit on the pillows so their 5 yo brother could possibly not be able to get out.

The 10 yo recounted how our 5 yo wiggled to get out and they just got more pillows to make sure he cannot get out of the “avalanche”.  This story brought so much  tears and sadness in my eyes as I connect the traumatized face of my 5 year old to what actually happened.  How could your heart not be crushed?

I know my two older boys carried it too far and were  in a play mode and  that it was just a game.

Yet, I thank God that He had mercy on the situation and was able to let my 5 yo escape.  I also knew deep in my heart that my 5 yo is a very strong boy like his father.  I mean, really strong.  He can lift a dining table at 2 years old.

However,  I was filled with torments and imagined the “claustrophobic” feeling experienced by my 5 year old.  I was raging inside because my 5 year old is like an angel.  How could they think to bully him like this?

After I reprimanded the two boys, my 5 year watched me in silence.  When the boys left the room, I told my 5 year old that we should forgive them.  He knelt down in front of the Cross and he prayed for his brothers.  Peace reigned in my heart because the bottom line is he is safe.  I knew his guardian angel will always protect him.  I also knew that he was a strong boy.  Then, I remembered that I gave my day to the Holy Spirit and filled with His grace, how could I feel disturbed with this situation?

And, since I was not ready to forgive or to let go, the rest of the evening was horrible.  I gave the enemy a legal right to attack me and my family further because I could not forgive.

I knew it.  But, I was just too prideful.  The  unforgiveness in my heart feels good.  But, on second thoughts, it was heavy.  I do not understand why I am rebelling.  I do not understand why it was hard to forgive.  I knew I was definitely  tormented.   New ugly thoughts came to my mind.  I went into despair.  And, I was waiting for my husband to rescue me with a word of encouragement.  But, when I did not get it it, I felt very disappointed.  I wanted to leave my family.

I wanted to “divorce” my husband because I did not feel he disciplined the two boys enough with an understanding of what happened.  I did not feel justice was done.  My husband’s reaction to the situation surprised me and baffled me.  He did not make a big deal about it.   And, that hurt my feelings.

I felt he did not love my baby as much as he loved the other kids.  It is as if, the RAD kids are so problematic that he was more worried to  give them a road back home more than talking to my 5 year old about it and explaining to him what happened.  Yes, he addressed the situation with the criminals but not with the victim.

And this is what I feel is always happening to our family, my husband always do not make a big deal about any RAD behaviors.  After thinking about it, I realized that my husband did similar bad things when he was boy.  In fact, he did worse things.  He pulled the arms of his brother out of the socket just playing around.

I cannot expect my husband to sympathize with my frustrations with our RAD children because he did far worse childish stuff while he was young.  What was strange and RADish for me was so normal for him.

While I was without mercy, he was at his most patient and understanding self when he has to deal with RAD behaviors.

This is my unique cross in life.  I cannot share with my husband my cross because he is partly my cross.  However, in his own understanding of life, he gives too much to the family.

I think this is the same way with our RAD children, they actually think they are giving already too much.  They do not see the filth in their lives because they are actually trying very hard and they get very very hurt and frustrated when we do not accept their efforts and treat it as “what is expected”.

RAD children remain  clueless to what society expects of them. And, we try to help them narrow the gap in these expectations and the  norms  so people can have fun with them and accept them.  But, they try so hard.

The solution is like a two-pronged fork:  we must let go of unforgiveness as the first step.  And, the second step is, if we can’t forgive, it  has something to do with our prideful heart.

Where does pride come to the picture?

In my case here, since I feel “above” these  RAD behaviors, I feel “no way, I would act that way.  This is absurd!”

Thus, the forgiveness required from mothers and parents who are taking care of RAD children must be endless.  We must force ourselves to exhaust our hearts with this desire to forgive.

But, it is not easy especially when there is a risk of life involved.  We want to escape the horrid invisible life that few people can capture or even imagine.

Yet, we must forgive them.  We must forgive them for almost killing their younger sibling.  We must forgive them for doing it again at another time and situation.   We must forgive them for destroying our favorite items in the house.  We must forgive them for destroying the expensive toys of their siblings and a part of their rooms or house.  We must forgive them for stealing our precious possessions.  We must forgive them for not recognizing the grief, worry  and frustrations they cause us.

Remember always that if  you find it difficult to forgive them, you can at least begin to seek the HOLY SPIRIT in your hearts.   Go read scriptures especially PSALM 91.  Praise God with a song over and over.  Whatever happens do not remain idle playing with negative thoughts over and over again.  Because, idle thoughts will be invaded by the enemy.   You will be severely tormented to give up.

It is true that forgiveness cannot change the past, but it sure can change the future for you at least.  Without these heavy feeling in your back, you are free to love again.

At the end of the night, my heart was heavy.  I felt misunderstood.  I felt alone.  But, I woke up with a renewed heart that I have to experience this so I can write about unforgiveness and pride.

I thank God for the gift of my Catholic Faith for I can go to my Confessor and tell him my sins of unforgiveness and through this sacrament, Jesus will bless, comfort me and console me and FORGIVE me for my UNFORGIVENESS.

The Darkness in a RAD Child

Do you have days like this?

You are annoyed.  You catch yourself and try push aside these negative thoughts and feelings.  You exert effort to be “nice” to those around you.  Yet, the person you are dealing with becomes more abrasive.  You try again to be “calculating” in your words and set aside your disturbance of what is in front of you.  You listen and appear to be patient to the other person.

With my RAD children, I wake up each morning with a renewed heart.  I vow to be a better mother than yesterday.  As I open my bedroom door to reach out, I am met with a house full of children that seem not to care.

Why do I say that?

Well, I have dirty dishes everywhere… sometimes under the futon.  I have dirty socks lying besides bookshelves or some were squeezed in between sofa cushions.  The sink is full of sticky dishes.  The counter has bread crumbs.  The kitchen floor is not swept.  The shoes are lying around in the entry way.  The books of my Kindergarten are around the room.  The DVDs are out of storage.  The laundry is quite a mess.

Call that motherhood.

Yes, motherhood seems easy.  But, in God’s humor, we are faced with this kind of life for at least 18 years.  Added to this typical life, we have RAD kids that makes the typical rather plain.

We deal with more issues in the household.  We tackle “brokenness” .  I mean, broken stuff on the physical sense, in the mental sense, in the emotional sense and the worse kind of brokenness is in the spiritual sense.

Since, self-help books out there handle the physical, mental and emotional planes.  I like to talk about the brokenness in the soul and in the spirit.

You might like to prioritize the physical, mental and emotional aspects first with your RAD child.  I did that as a common sense approach to handling their disorders and I am sharing to you why it should be the opposite.

You have to start with the “darkness in their souls” first.

What does this mean?

Darkness in the soul is a metaphor.  It is about desolation and despair and the feelings of loneliness. Contrary to the unselfish life that Blessed Mother Teresa exhibited, she suffered from “darkness in her soul” until the last few days of her life.  Yet, she persevered even if it God was not consoling her.  This is a terrible cross to bear, when you are doing admirable good things for God and God does not comfort you.

Why is this more apparent with a RAD child?

Because a RAD child is wounded, very much scarred.  And, in those years that they were severely abused and neglected, they were clueless who to turn to.  Thus, their crisis was really a “spiritual crisis”.  They were looking for someone to trust, but no one taught them about “God” and the redeeming power of Jesus Christ.

In modeling the virtues of  the Blessed Mother, many religions seek to downplay her maternal role.  But, time and time again, she has been a source of grace to understand what motherhood is all about.  Like us, she was given a very challenging task to raise the Son of God.  Everyday, she asks herself, “how can I be the worthy mother of  my Son?”  You should start questioning  what you know about Mary:  Her “yes” to God was critical in His Divine Plan for God’s Son to come to the world.

Thus, it will be outrageous not give Mary an important part in your family life.  She is one of the “Truths” that Jesus left on earth.  But many sought to put her down and ignore her.  For many of those who have discovered Mary, there was never a time, that she will not ever lead you to Christ.   Mary will always bring you closer  to Jesus.  The Blessed Mother of Christ can help your RAD child find Jesus.

In the hearts of our RAD children,  a huge invisible hole in their hearts  must be filled.  If our hearts are not filled, we are clueless to what your RAD child’s heart will ever need to be happy.    The yearning to belong, the desire to have fun are innate in them, but they have been so much into their survival that they know they need to exist, only they do not know why?

Your child is surviving whether you are there for them or not.  This natural inclination to survive is the “hope” that God gives to each of us.  Thus, we do not attempt to destroy those little “hope” that our children try to cling onto.  Instead, we must give them “hope” day after day.

Start loosening the rope and begin giving them “hope”.  It simply means that their healing will not depend on you anymore.  Unknowingly,  you might be blocking their healing.  When you become too strict and too disciplined and too structured, you might remove the “hope” they need.  Instead, seek our Divine Savior for direction in what to do with your RAD child.

When you bring them to a therapist, they are reminded of their “label”. But, when you bring them to  Church, they will come to understand that each one in that temple of God, is seeking God.  They do not feel uniquely different, much less a problem child.  They feel “united” and “one” with our Lord, who suffered a worse cross than they have had. (Note that I am not advising that you should stop counseling.  In my opinion, it is a temporary help they need and the long term help your RAD child need rests in the healing power of  Jesus)

Our RAD child is a blessing in disguise.  God specially gave this child to us because this child will lead us to towards the direction of heaven.  If we continually seek the secular help over the spiritual help, our life will be fluctuating moments of peaks and valleys, a semblance of successes and failures.  And,  sometimes feelings that we are living  hell.

Do not be overwhelmed with the darkness in  your life right now.  Start looking at your RAD child with a renewed heart, that the darkness in his  or her soul is much severe than ours.

A RAD child yearns for that Light that only our Lord can provide.  Introduce to your child  our Catholic Faith, which has many truths that will lead to our final journey in heaven.  The healing that we all require to make it through life is found in our Church -two thousand plus years of profound and mystical experiences from the lives of many Saints.

Pray to the Holy Spirit  and let the ” RADish lives” of the Catholic Saints inspire you to cope with your own crosses of raising the most wonderful blessing that God could ever give you.

What are your priorities?

This week is the so-called “birthday week” of my first born son.  For 21 years of his life, he was a problem child.

From the moment he was born, we were forced to separate because I developed an extreme blister-like allergy from the antibiotics they gave me after my C/S section.  I recall the torture of being away from my first baby.  I wished the OB-GYN would have been knowledgeable enough to refer me to a dermatologist so she can make her own diagnosis but she didn’t.

My brain was so foggy that I was depending on my mother to make that decision for me.  I do not recall where my first husband was at that time.  He was dealing with the reality of a new responsibility perhaps.  But, I do not understand why no one stood up for this baby and told the doctors that they can take care of my baby while I was sick with this contagious disease.  How can my parents or my ex-husband not see that this baby needs me?  And,  in my desire not to infect my baby with this undiagnosed skin disease, I chose to keep him safe.  I thought the hospital nursery was a safe place.

This was the first risk that I took in my first born’s life.  The separation was critical to his normal attachment development.

At 24 years old, I was naive and too dependent on my parents.  I was too immature.

This story could have been unheard of in this age and times,  but it did happen.  Upon reflecting on it, I realized that there are many things we do to our children that we are ignorant about.

But, no need to sulk about it.  The damage has been done.

As I reflect on his birthday this August 04.  I remember that I love this boy so much and I love him with the same intensity as 22 years ago.  Only this time, he appreciates my love for him.

After he reached the age of 7, he displayed symptoms of so many disorders.  It has a semblance of ADD or Attention Deficit Disorder and in his adulthood, he displayed so many symptoms of RAD.

Just like any mom, I tried to find solutions for him by reading lots of books.  What happened?  Somewhere along the lines, I was not careful in what I read.  I brought in “new age” solutions.  I was ignorant.

Though I did not leave the Catholic Church and stayed closed by, I did not live an exemplary virtuous life.  I was always trying to be pious, but it was a confusing world.   I prioritized the demands of the secular, material world.

I went into higher studies and was promoted to the career ladder.  It felt good to be accomplished.  I felt I was above the clouds when my work allowed me to travel around the world.  I thought this was what God wanted for me.

I thought…

But, I never listened to God.  At least, I never attempted to silence my heart and listen to His voice.

Since there was no major obstacle, I thought this was God’s plan  for me.

I did not realize that, I pushed that “life” on me.  I just hoped God will agree to my plans.

My foolish pride tells me, this is the reason God gave me brains, so I can plan things and know what is best for myself and my family.

WRONG!

He gave you brains to figure out His Divine Plan for you.  He wants to you to acknowledge that you are nothing without Him.

After going through this roller coaster ride called “LIFE”.  I came to know that God can strip you of everything just because He loves you so much.

Some people have to be stripped off material wealth, some people have to be stripped of their main employment, some people have to be stripped off the opportunity to have children.

We all have different “crosses” in our lives.

God wants you to get out of the “roller coaster” ride that can seem out of control sometimes. He wants you to get off that and seek a less “cluttered” life.

De-clutter your life. Or else, you cannot hear God.

Prioritize not your priorities but the priorities of God.

 

 

 

God can make Huge our Little RADishes

At this present time, we may seem hopeless or in despair with the progress of our little RADishes.  It is even too difficult to imagine, how it could be better between our children and us?

Our faith tells us it will possibly be better as long as we do not give up on them.  We know that and we continually practice that.  But, in moments of our despair, we are infested with negative thoughts about their future.

What jobs can they hold?  They struggle with lies and integrity issues.

What kind of parents will they be?  They do not have a sense of responsibility and conscience.

What future awaits them?  Seemingly dim.

This is all how far our imagination can stretch based on the present circumstances in our lives.  We all know their progress is so slow and unpredictable with many peaks and valleys. If we will based our analysis on these patterns, we know that their future may not be bright until a “miracle” occurs.

Then, for now, aim for that miracle.

Do not limit what God can do for your children.  Not because our minds cannot stretch that far to the “unknown”, we forget that God operates in boundless time and space.   God can move mountains in a second.  But, our brains can only comprehend this just as a “saying”.

Remember that Jesus was born in poverty.  He had nothing but the loving arms of Mary and Joseph.  He did not have the fanfare due for Kings even if He deserved one.  He came from humble beginnings.  He was tiny and not majestic.

And so with our RAD kids.  They seem very ” little” now, without any encouraging attributes.

They are the brunt of our frustrations because of  our inability to comprehend God’s plan for them because we keep molding them according to what we think is right.

They are the sick in the heart and we are clueless how to mend their broken hearts.  We follow the so-called experts, yet our child is uniquely hurt.

We have to sew the pieces together or else no one will.

But, we forget the most important mindset.

Your RAD child is not yours, he or she is God’s child.

We take care of them to the best of our ability on earth, but their journey, like ours,  will take them past beyond what we can comprehend.  Their destiny is heaven.

Thus, the path they may lead now may be confusing, narrow, problematic and full of obstacles.  But, it does not change their destiny.

We must not lose our focus.  If the destiny is Heaven, then the priority is to make God known to your child.

Focus on seeking God for our RAD children.

The miracle that you need to happen, the first actually already happened.

You are the miracle in this child’s life.  God plucked you among many women, to nurture these children.

Do not make the mistake on what they did to Susan Boyle – just by how she looked, they criticized her, they put her down, they raise their eyebrows.  Ugly.

Yet, when she sang “I Dream a Dream”,  she captured the audience.  THis is what God can do for our RAD child.  God can set aside the ugliness in our child and let the beauty come out through the gifts He gave them.  We must just give them the chance.

Daily Mass and How It Transformed Me and My Radish Children

Yeah, I have always known that “daily mass” will change you.  But, I was clueless how far it can transform you.

Is it easy for me to go to daily mass?   Is my Church next door?  Do I have all the time in the world?  What is my job that allows me to go to daily mass?   What do I get out of it?  How do I know I am transformed?

Going to Holy mass everyday, is like my need to eat because I am hungry on a daily basis.  Like food, it comforts me and makes me feel full.  It is satisfying though not always a favorable experience all the time.  There are many colors as well as different taste and textures.  There are many sensations, visual and tactile.  There are conversations as well as time to digest the “food” you take in.  But, like eating, you look forward to the next meal.

I wish I can be more profound like St. Thomas Aquinas or the modern theologian such as  Peter Kreeft, but I am just a wife with 9 children,  1 dog and two in-laws in the house.

The call to daily Holy Mass is not loud with fanfare.  It is a very soft, quiet Voice that you hear not from your ears but from your heart.

I wake up each morning with the desire in my heart.  Probably this is similar to your hunger pains,  but not intense that it hurts.  It is just a nudge that you are hungry and that you need it.  So, I go and exercise my foggy brain cells with just a simple question as I struggle to get off bed in the early mornings:  Where should I go to mass?  Who should I take with me?

As I dress up, I start to wake up the sleepy heads in our household.  And, off we rush to the nearest Church where mass is available.  Sometimes, it is a 20 minute drive.  We know that in summer,  priests do take vacations, so holy mass is not always available (check parish bulletin weekly).  We crave to go to our parish, our church home, and listen to the homilies of my spiritual father which is crafted by the Holy Spirit, however,  it is 30 miles away.  With gas prices these days, it pulls out  a huge chunk from the household budget when we are all trying to be frugal.     At other times, we go to the next nearest church with the Benedictine monks con-celebrating the Holy Mass and that is like a 30-minute drive through the heat wave in the East Coast at 11 am.  On other days, we go 1 hour away in Charlotte, NC.

But, unlike before, where I prioritize the convenience of the mass schedule on a week day and my errands for the day, I made up my mind to do the reverse:  Conform my daily domestic schedule around the mass schedules available in my area.   And, I committed to this.

At first, it was difficult.  I did not want to sound too “die-hard”.  My husband always reminds me that God understands.  How can I explain to anyone that in going to daily mass for 3 months, when I wake up, I feel  an empty belly that needs to eat “something”.

What am I hungry for?

I am filled with many toxins in my body that many parts of my body need to be healed.  From the head down to my toe, my body is imperfect.   But, really I don’t know which part of my body is not pleasing to God.  Is it my thought process?  Is it how I see things?  Is it how I feel and react?  Is it how I deal with pains, imperfections and struggles?  I’m hungry for the peace that I am healthy not just physically but in God’s eyes.

When I go to daily Holy Mass, I am given some Light to those dim parts of me.  Like for example, I thought I was pious compared to many people.  I realized that I was more of a “Pharisee” in many ways, that I tend to judge other people in their imperfect lives.  And, as my path is becoming well-lit, I gained some sort of pride that humbles me back on the ground.

Sometimes, I get distracted at mass.  I cannot stop my brains for thinking about so many things.  But, sometimes, it can be so quiet, that I can hear myself talking.  Quite “talkative” in the presence of God, I have to remind myself internally: “Be quiet!”

My children are changing, not in Saintly ways.  They are better than they were yesterday.  And, they are different from who they were 3 months ago.  Again, nothing drastic or gigantic about it.  But I see them with a new  heart and they are beginning to see me with their new  hearts too.   No book about discipline can surpass this “peace” that we are all experiencing.

The best part of this transformation is this: my life is not about me and my family.  It has moved to another purpose.  It is now about  my vocation and understanding God’s will every second.  It is not anymore discerning God’s will in major crisis or confusion that beset our family life and not even thinking of  Jesus when I am busy with my worldly life.  Or just waiting to encounter Him again on another chance to go to Holy Mass.    He is now weaved in my life, never separate from me.    Thus, each part of my day all connects to the very purpose of my existence.  I realized that what the Catholic Church is teaching at  the very  basic level, that is, to know God, to love God, and to serve God have become embedded in me.

I hear Jesus not just in my heart but in my daily interactions with my children and spouse.  I hear His voice through the elderly women I visit in the Legion of Mary group that I joined.  I see Him in those homeless men begging for money at the highway.  I see Him in those new faces in our parish.  Before, I just know it was Jesus.  Now, I am definitely sure it is Jesus.  To see the least in society, is to see Jesus.  It may seem that I have been brainwashed in a Divine way to open my senses to experience Him on a daily basis.

Another unsurpassable part of all these is to recognize that this journey or path that is before us:  our family life, our extended family, friends and the people that we encounter in  our lives, are all part of God’s plan for us.  And, our sins are just not about what we have failed to follow in the Ten Commandments, it is also what we failed to do because of our vices and imperfections.  Daily life becomes an exercise of practicing virtues of patience, hope, charity, faith and working on our vices and imperfections and avoiding those occasion of sin in our lives.

Not that I want to sound “preachy”, the feelings and the thoughts just overflow that I want to share.

The bottomline is really charity and love in its purest form.  Loving the people that God has brought into our lives even if they do not seem lovable at all.  That is difficult, isn’t it?

To be with Jesus  the whole day is get to taste “Sweetness” as a simple substance yet ecstatically profound.  You so much want to hold on to it until you can.  And, the next day, you wake up hungry again.  And, He fills you up.   He never stops to talk to you, to give you the inspirations, the insights the discernment that you need to fulfill your vocation to which He has called you.  To  listen to Him is to be like a “5 year old” learning school again.

My vocation is to be a mother to 9 children who are mostly turning to adults now every year and to love my spouse as if it was my last day.  How often I fail to even do this  simple calling in life?

Yes, daily Holy mass transformed me.    Each day I am new.  The good thing is in all my imperfections, God makes up for what I lack.  So, there is really nothing to worry about.  I even stopped to worry about going to daily mass.

Our Strong-willed Kids

Today I would like to talk about the “strong-willed” nature of our children.  Easy to connote this with negativity.  But are we not strong-willed too?

If we are not strong-willed, we would not even take care of these children, adopt them and  provide them with the nurturing they need.

Even if we knew the RAD diagnosis, we did not give up to be their Mom.

But, we are tempted several times to give up because RAD is a headache.

Look back at your childhood, how did your Mom and Dad react to your strong-willed nature?  How did they dampen your rebellious spirit?

As a child, all we knew is that we were always reprimanded but we also were confident on how to make our parents happy.  We just chose to make them angry unintentionally.  Funny to think now.  We just have this strong desire to be curious and not to wait for long for the things we want in life.

As we made the decision to take care of these RAD children, we are now called to tap this strong-willed nature of ours to make it work for our family.

This is why we should not hold this against our children.  To be  strong-willed is a gift.   Our RAD kids need this character trait to survive life’s challenges.

Since it was God who carved our strong-willed children in their mother’s womb, these RAD children have a special destiny in life.  They will be called to their own “battles” specifically tailored-fit for them by God.

How can we not ask God to help us raise these RAD children? These children are  His Creation.

The puzzle on how to deal with strong-willed children can be solved if we can understand that they need the  constant reprimands.  They need the discipline.  They need the training of their impulses and will.  So do not give up on this type  of children.  Look at their strong-willed nature as gifts.  We are the nurturers.  We are here to make sure they use this gifts for the glory of God.

We start by teaching them about the God who made them.  If we don’t, they will use their rebellious spirit on the enemy’s side.