Marcel turned 12 this year. I came to his life when he was 7 years old. He is a very sweet boy but he makes poor choices. He lacks impulse control. He is the most sensitive among his siblings. He is the one that can snap when something highly stressful occurs in our lives.
In the past years, I have brought him to therapy and many doctor appointments. I would use that time to bond with him. We spent hours talking. I take treat him out in restaurants.
He gets on the nerves of his Dad so I talk to my husband to be more gentle to him. I nagged my husband until he changed his attitude towards him. If he does something wrong, I spend time to thresh out his feelings careful not to leave any room for doubts.
The last two weeks, I have been noticing that he was sad. I asked him. He said “nothing”. Eventually, he talked to me about his feelings towards his “biological mother”. He said that he was ready to meet her again. We talked about a lot of things and his realities about his past life is becoming skewed. I think my mistake was I tried to straighten his reality. Because after that talk, I was his enemy.
Yesterday, he accused me of so many things. He told me I was “abusive” – verbally. I asked him what “verbally abusive” means. He can’t define. I asked him “Do I put you down?” He said “no.” Do I cuss and swear and say profanities. His answer is “yes”. I wondered and asked him “Can you help me remember?” He said that when I was waking him up I told him if you do not wake up “I will kick your “a”. Whew… I have no memory of that word. I have a memory that I was upset but no memory that I actually said the “A” word. But, my strongest virtue is not “saying profanities” so I am very confident that he can say it all he wants but I don’t “swear”.
I started to get a notebook page and started to write down his issues with me. I told him that “I want to change and be better”.
1. I took away his friends in public school. Now, that I am homeschooling them, he has no friends.
2. I sent his older brother to my mother-in-law. The older brother is his friend.
3. He wants all his siblings in his home.
4. Mom (I) always tell him that we have not much money for food and other stuff but we have so many things in the house that we can get rid off. Also, many things that said “I would sell” that I couldn’t because of the market.
5. He feels bad that we always do not have money on his birthday.
6. He feels very sad that we were not even able to buy the book he liked for his birthday.
7. He is sad because he can talk to no one in the family.
8. He wants me to bring his dad to work and bring him to a homeschool school group so he can make friends. This is considering we have only one car at the moment. He wants me to prioritize his need to have friends over “errands” because he is very sad.
9. He feels that I should not take credit for their homeschooling.
10. He feels I am not humble because I tell him I have a “masters degree”.
11. He feels I criticize his mother
12. He thinks even if I am researching about RAD, I do not know him and what he wants
13. He thinks I prevent him or block him when he wants to talk to his Dad
14. He thinks I turn the conversation around so my husband cannot talk to them.
15. He feels I play “mind tricks” on them so I can manipulate them.
16. He thinks he should not be given 2 hours lecture and only 15 minutes (for me I thought I was bonding with him and letting him express his thoughts)
17. He said he “fears” me.
So many more but this is only what I was able to write down.
A sad day for me. I feel very defeated.
