Destruction of Things You Give Them

In my home, many things get broken and lost.  I stopped buying things for the kids.  I stand to correct myself.  What I meant is I do not buy expensive stuff for the kids anymore.  They do not take care of anything I buy them.  In fact, they destroy everything I give them after they get tired of it.

If that is not enough, they will destroy their youngest brother’s toys.  It is disheartening.  Money has no value for them.  Things you give them have no value to them.

We always find things in weird places in the house.  The socks of the toddler: found in inside the curtain.  The pants of the toddler: found it behind the stereo speakers.  Sometimes, I feel very traumatized just looking at their rooms.

Doing things they are not supposed to do when you are not there…

My 8 year old, LB is very intelligent.  At least when he is focused and motivated.  In other times, he uses his brains to get around the system.  I sometimes will get “hoovered” and try to explain to him what is right.  I found out these things do not work for them.

They “zone out” after a few minutes.  The chances they will do a task that you abhor is so high. Statistically, the chances are I would say 100%.

Yesterday,  I decided to go grocery shopping.  Just as I was leaving another kid told me that LB has invited his youngest brother to watch a movie.  Since he knows that he is not allowed to watch a movie without supervision, he is trying to con his younger brother so he can watch one.  I was just in the driveway.  I just closed the entry door.  That is how fast he acts.

I called him.  I did “reverse psychology”.  I told him “LB, please watch a movie when I leave ok?”  He said ” No Mom, I should not be watching a movie, this is not allowed.”.  I said ” You can talk to your brother and just com him so you can watch a video.”.  I was surprised that he knew all the house rules.  I can’t believe it.  So what is the problem then?

I think it is his lack of control.  When he wants something, he needs to have it.  He has not developed that aspect yet.

Yesterday, I felt relieved that spending 10 minutes to reaffirm your expectations worked but it did only because it was something unexpected.  Something, they have not learned yet to get around.

This is when it gets emotionally draining.

Consecrating Families to Jesus, an approach to healing

I was shopping one day at the thrift store to de-stress.  I wanted to scout for books that I can use for homeschooling.  However, at that time, I was also deeply troubled by my 16 year old.  His name is Jayjay.  He is my biological son.  He went to California last year to be with his biological father, my Ex.  Our Catholic marriage was annulled a few years ago.  However, I have remained in talking terms with him.

Jayjay is filled with resentment towards me.  I can see it in his eyes.  It is filled with anger.  I was just a bit confused on what could have triggered it.

You see, Jayjay fell in love with his stepsister Fay.  Thus, my husband and I need to separate them.  I gave Jayjay the option to stay with his grandparents.  He chose his father.

We brought him back home after his Confirmation.  We caught him looking at internet porn in his laptop and IPHONE.  We grounded him from computer.  He disobeyed us.  We felt we had a bigger problem.

At the same time, this year,we have decided to homeschool everyone across the board.  Jayjay did not like that and so with my other RADish kids.  Thank God that they are the kids and we are the parents.

We made a decision to homeschool after a year of discernment.  We took the plunge and we are very happy about it.

During the shaky times (around the end of summer), I picked up this book “Consecrating Families to Jesus through Mary in Union with St. Joseph” published by www.familyland.org.  I read the first part.  It contains some meditations of Pope John Paul II and based on the devotion to St. Louise Marie de Monfort.

Click the video here.

What 40 days of prayer?  We did not think we would want to do that.  Yet, my husband decided that we must put our faith to this especially in the way I came across this book.

Let me digress and tell you how I found the book.

After sifting through 4 huge shelves of books at Goodwill Outlet, I was drawn to look back again.  I followed the prompting of my angel.  I found a book on “strong-will children”.  I browse through some parts and it seemed like a pretty neat book for my present problem with Jayjay.

If I missed out on that book on my first pass, then probably I did miss out another book.  True enough, I found a tiny, thick book in plastic cover.  It was turned upside down.  I fixed it and put it back in order.  I decided to pull it out.  Guess what?  It was this Consecration book.  Being a Catholic book, I bought it.

Going back to my story, we started this Consecration novena for 40 days.  I have to share my experience with you in detail in my future posts.   I will tell you how God made it known that He wanted our family to do  the Consecration.  I will tell you how the book helped us to understand the role of Mary in our family situation.  Lastly, I will share iwth you our “miracles”.

Stealing a “Monster” drink

Stealing a Monster Drink is a common child's havior with Reactive Attachment Disorder

We are having behavior problems with our 8 year old.  He stole a “Monster” drink which my husband placed near my computer.  He knows that kids are not allowed to drink it.  He knows that it make him hyper.  He knows that that drink is for his Dad.  He also knows that I am sitting all day in front of my computer.  Where did he get the courage to steal it?

My 11 year old (Cris) son came running to me the other night.  He found the empty “Monster” drink in the closet of  LB.  Both of them ran to me, Cris telling me what he found and LB telling me that he did not do it.

It is a hard situation because I do not trust any of them.  I know it is LB but Cris is also not to be trusted.  They had many times set up each other so they can be blamed for actions they have done.

I urge LB to relax by “jumping jacks”.  At that moment, I knew I won’t get anywhere if I confront him so I let it go.  I waited for my husband to be home.

Last night, we confronted the issue again.  This time we told everyone at dinner that this is something that may be very “scary” for the person who did it but we want them to know that “telling the truth” makes them stronger.  We have used that line before.  I really do not think it works.  But, my suspicion at first was my 12 year old, Mar. He could have set it up.  But, ever since I had a talk with him that stealing is a stress trigger, he got it and never stole again. I ruled him out of the “stealing” equation, there is just no statistics to back me up that he could possibly do it again.

Cris has been good too.  However, he had outbursts and rage once in a while in the last few months.  He was very abusive to the dog when in rage or to LB.  However,  in the last few months, it was not hard for him to admit his faults or his RADish behavior.

So, we were back again to LB.  This time, I just did not give myself any option to think otherwise.  I focused on helping him de-stress.  I told him to relax.  I told him to do 100 jumping jacks to put serotonin in his brain tank.  He did it.  Then, he started to tell me that he did not do it.  Then, I countered calmly that it is telling me that he needs more exercise to calm him down.  I told him to do another 50 jumping jacks.   I also told him, that I love him so much that I will not stop to help him calm down and jumping jacks should be working hard to help his brain put more serotonin in his brain tank.

He thought about it for the moment.  He sat on the chair.  He said he is ready to talk.

I became quiet.  His eyes became red.  He started to murmur.

I told him, that he needs to stand up and do another 50 jumping jacks because he cannot be understood.  I said, I do not want to misinterpret him at all.  I told him, I am very excited to see how much stronger he is becoming by telling the truth.

He thought about it.  He composed himself.  He breathe in and out.  He said “I drank the Monster drink”.  I said “woooo hooo hoooo”, you did something that will make you stronger.  You did something that will make you heal.

I reminded him that his healing will take 1 month for every year age.  He said, he will start healing tomorrow.  I told him to start today.  He said. “yes”.  I replied “woooo hooo hooo”.  Pizazz.

Hope this strategy works for your RADish fearful child.

Support Group for RAD is always a Blessing

My husband and I attended a support group meeting for Reactive Attachment Disorder last December.  It was our first time and it was an hour away from our home.  

I was definitely impressed with the Chairperson of this support group.  She responded quickly to all my email inquiries with substantive information.  She is like a “consider it done” person. I guessed, we are fortunate to have her. 

In the support group, we donated $10 and this fee gives us access to numerous media resources.  So far,  I have borrowed maybe over 30 books in the span of two months.  I am an avid reader and I like to jump from one topic to another like when one is watching television. 

Everyone introduced one another.  They were amazed that we have many children.  They wished me good luck. 

After attending two more support group meetings, I am greatly amazed how much the arsenal of information in our hands have made us able to share our experiences on a higher level.  We have shown that we have tested some of the theories of attachment key players and narrated what worked for us.  Further, the meeting gives us confidence to ask questions about our own current problems.  Almost always, there are parents who have experienced similar trials.  

We also met parents who have transcended to another level of understanding in RAD.  These parents are our hope.  I shed a tear or two that knowing that they have the courage to endure the trials of having RADish kids and sticking it out.  After all, these are now your children.  Who else will be able to try to give these kids a chance in life except us?  

But the burden of the responsibility is very overwhelming.  I have seen newbie parents who are angry and overwhelmed.  This is the same situation I was in several months ago.

House Chores on Saturday

 

Cris cleaned Fay's room

My husband had  a bright idea this bright Saturday morning, he was explaining about telling our RADish kids things to do over and over every week, that is, clean their bedrooms.     My husband told them to  pick a name  from a hat and they are suppose to clean the room of the person they pick from the hat.  That is the consequence for not cleaning their room.   Well, being great tattle talers, they are now bringing to us “strange items” that should not be in their rooms.  

Marcel cleaned Rosa's room.

Rosa cleaned Cris and LB's room.

Jaycee cleaned Marcel's room.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fay cleaned Jaycee's room.

Tattle Tale

Our RADish kids love to tattle tale.  It was one of the “what they do” that is hard to undo.

The most severe Tattle taler in our family is LB.  Fay is number 2. On second thought, to some degree they all are tattle talers.

They like to tell on each other.  In the beginning, it bothered me a lot.  But, we were able to minimize it a bit.

Pet Abuse

 

LB, 8 year old and Mozart (6 month old Chinese Crested puppy)

 

This is one of the shocking news that I have heard so far in my life with RADish kids.  In our support group (we meet monthly), some couples talked about pet abuse.  Many RADish kids actually engaged in lewd sex acts with their pets or they are physically cruel to them. 

A few weeks after that support group meeting, Fay told me that she saw Lucas on the bathroom floor with his pants down and letting the puppy lick his private parts.  I did not show that I was alarmed.  I just told her not to “shame”  LB further.  

I have no words for LB.  I am not angry at all.  I think I felt confused.  I emailed our support group chairperson and the therapist at the same time.  As usual, our Cambria responded right away. She told me that I have to rid of  our puppy.  She said that shameful experiences for RADish kids make them sicker. 

It was hard to accept what she said.  I love our puppy.  His name is Mozart.  I want our toddler to grow up with this puppy.   I need a “puppy fix” once in a while.  I like taking care of dogs because I grew up with dogs all my life.  I have wonderful experiences with them. I like a dog’s loyalty and affection.  I am always amazed at their smartness.  Most of all, it is therapeutic for me.  Petting a dog calms me down.  

Even before I married into this family, I always thought of myself as full of love.  But, I have to admit that RADish kids have a way of draining your energies.  

Going back to LB, we saw our attachment therapist.  She brought her two Bischon Frise dogs.  She was able to explain to LB how dogs are very protective creatures and then need to be respected and loved.  She explained that dogs will love back in return and protect him.  The therapy session went on smoothly.  LB was able to admit everything to  the therapist. 

Since then, LB was very kind to the dog or at least trying to be nice a for few weeks.   Right the next day, he hurt our toddler.

Hole in the Wall

 

 

Hole in the Wall

We have a ghost in the house.  None of our children wants to admit that they put a hole in our wall. 

According to the many  books I’ve read, their inability to admit to the truth is  due to “fear”.  ”Scared children do scary stuff”, according to Dr. Bryan Post.  

RAD kids tend to destroy their personal belongings and their personal space like their bedrooms.

Lying is Easy for RADish Kids

Last night my husband was very excited to see the wrestling match of Jaycee.  He was able to make it to Regionals.  It is a big deal because it took some time before he was able to go into sports.  

He told us that he won by default on one match and challenged the no. 2 guy and he lost to that wrestler.  We told him that we are on our way to see him.  He told us that he will be wrestling in 15 minutes and that it will be better if we did not come to see him.  He knew we were miles away.  Nevertheless, we loved him very much and was excited to try driving 28 miles to see him wrestle.  The distance did not discouraged us and my husband and I, together with his Grandpa, prayed enroute to the tournament.  

When we arrived, he was chatting around and goofing around with his friend in a relaxed manner.  We’ve got a feeling that he would not wrestle anymore or else he would be doing warm ups.  We asked him to go to us and explain to us what was happening. 

I really did not want to listen further so I told my husband just to talk to him.  Jaycee thinks that he is much smarter than his Dad.  I would not be surprised that he will give lots of reason and my husband will sound sarcastic but lose in the argument.  I don’t understand why my husband always does that with Jude. 

Jaycee is our 16 year old.  He was my husband’s confidante when they were going through rough times with his Ex-wife.  Jaycee, according to their story, took care of the rest of the kids.  He fed his younger siblings.  It just surprises me very much because all he can do is cook.  I never saw him have any affection to his siblings or no interest to change diapers or mingle with our toddler.  

In the early part of our marriage, something is not adding up with my observations with Jaycee.  He is cocky to my two biological sons until my older son tackled him to know his place.  He did not have a good relationship with JayJay even if they were the same school level.  According to Jayjay, Jaycee is too bossy.   Jayjay also thinks that Jaycee is so mean to his siblings.