Forgive Daily Your RAD Child

“Forgive her daily!

This is the insight I got in prayer.   When our RAD child wrongs us, we go past the hurt.  We readily forgive.  But how can we forgive someone who thinks she is right in her wrongdoing? Do we forgive those who just asks for forgiveness?   What do we need to forgive?

A child or teen with a RAD disorder operates on his or her own reality.  The RAD children might think they are in a prison camp in your home because of all the rules of the house designed to protect them.  There shouldn’t be many rules but we have no choice because they have a lack of understanding about boundaries both physical and emotional.

When my daughter started to put forward that she wanted to do things her way, irregardless of our family values, I had choices to make.  But, because of past trauma in dealing with family situations like this, I stepped back and I did what I preached to my children:  pray.

The first insight that the Holy Spirit gave me is to  “Forgive daily.”

If our Lord has to say this to me,  then probably I may be forgiving once and I thought that was enough.  Because really, for an offense, how many times do I need to forgive?

I looked back and I realized that it is not difficult for me to forgive.  But, I do it just once.

Every sin has a consequence.   If every sin is equal to a hole in a fence, even if you forgive that person who caused that hole, there was damage done.  It needs to be fixed to return it to original condition.  Sometimes, it is almost impossible to make it as perfect as before.

In the same way, when I forgive, I can still see the “holes” the next day.  I am not mad at that person who put the hole, but when I look at the fence, I still see the holes.  When you forgive a person, it does not automatically erase the holes made.   You need to do something to patch up that hole.  And, when you do patch it up, one day, you will not notice that hole again.  In time, that hole does not matter anymore because in its place is a brand new fence.

When our Lord told me to forgive daily, I realized that I will still have to see that “hole” in my fence everyday.  I have to deal with it.  I have to constantly renew my mindset and articulate it with belief “I forgive you today”.  The next day, I will wake up and see that hole again and I must say “I forgive you today.”

What do I get from doing this?  I get to understand the sometimes the holes are so deep and many, that you ignore that it made the fence you built so hard looks so ugly that you do not want to look at it anymore.  You ignore this fence because it does not look like there is a chance to be beautiful again.  You know that it will take time before you can patch it up with your busy schedule.  You begin to set it aside until another hole is made much bigger than the first few ones.

But, when you patch the hole right away and make it new again, you value this fence more.   You look at it and know that this fence has  a value for you.  You can hardly see the holes made.  It is easy to go to the other wonderful things in your life.

Forgive daily so you do not see the ugly things in life this RAD child had done in your life.  Instead, you value back this life that you have with them.  The holes are just part of it and not the big picture.  When you do not forgive daily, the holes will bother you too often in an abrasive way that when the holes get too many, you just want to give up and throw it away.

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How a RAD Teen Handles a “No”

Yesterday afternoon, my daughter lifted her laundry basket down the stairs,  as I  rearrange our formal living room.  She walked past me out to the door.  She came back and I asked her, “What are you doing?”  She told me “I am leaving.” She went upstairs and I knew she will get more of her stuff.

A few months ago,  she and her bf talked to us about their relationship and how much they loved each other.  Since my husband and I both believed in courtship instead of dating,   our discussion did not end well.   I had no problems with the guy she was dating.  My problem is she is RAD and I do not have the confidence that she would do well in this relationship at this point and time.   In my mother world, she is making progress in healing, why add another variable to the equation and make life less predictable?

That is what is convenient for me.

But for a RAD teen in love,   this is a recipe for disaster and more trouble.

After much discussion, I realized that there is no use making sense for she does not hear.  When a RAD  teen wants something, rarely can you stop them.

So, my husband and I blindly, unofficially allowed the relationship as long as it stays clean and in our terms.

Our daughter could not handle mixing her studies with this relationship.  Instead of doing her online high school courses, she was chatting with him in Google Talk.

Pretty soon, the school year was over.  She still had 4 courses to go before she can graduate from high school.  The last course she took in our homeschool program is equivalent to AP US History.  If she passes this course and reviewer, she gets 3 college credits.   Imagine saving her about $3000 in tuition fees for 3 college credits.  It would have been a phenomenal plan but the bad news is she hates US History.   She already convinced herself that she cannot learn US History.  It is just too boring for her.  

So, what motivation can we give her to finish US History?  There was a Senior Formal Prom in the homeschool group in our area. She was looking forward to that.  So, we made a deal with her that she can attend the PROM with her bf as long as she passes US History.  She does not need a high grade, only to pass the course.   Wow, I’ve never seen her work so hard in her life.  She was studying for 10 hours a day.   However, most days she was very distracted especially when the date of the dance was approaching.

Long story short,  she failed the practice test.  Supposedly, the deal was there is no “dance”.  But, I caved in and allowed her to go.

When the prom was over, there was no more incentive for her to finish her courses.  She knew there was another solution.  She can take the GED.

Why was she in a hurry?  She wanted to take “cosmetology” and that is all what she is thinking about.  She likes playing around and cutting other people’s hair, she figured she can make lots of money and she can get her own place and start living her life.  All she thinks about is marrying her bf.  It sounded like a great plan except we are not ready to do it her way.

We wanted her to finish the 4 courses in our homeschool program.  We want her to consider going to college.  We wanted her not to quit when the going gets rough.  We wanted her to catch on to the reasons why we homeschooled her :  to heal and continue healing.

But, unfortunately, she used the “I’m 18 now and I can do what I feel I need to do in my life.”

This is still in the realm of a normal teen life.  There is still nothing RAD in this right?

Not exactly.

When we explained further how we can make this work, she already closed her heart.  She is head strong in getting her GED.  And, she told my husband that we are preventing her from getting it.  A war broke out.   Her war to prove to the world that she is in prison and that she has no freedom in our home

Now, that seems to be still teenager-like issue, right?

Not exactly.

She talked to the mother of her bf and started to get her sympathy.  The mother did not see anything wrong with getting a GED. Long story, short, she came to our house to talk us into giving in to our daughter and allow her to take her GED.  At this point and time, I do not wish to discuss why we would prefer her to take the GED rather than finish her high school diploma but we have good reasons.

When she realized that this action did not help change our minds, she went the next step.  She threatened that she will move out and leave the house now!  And, we cannot do anything about it.

Where would she go?  

Her bf’s mother made it clear to us that  they cannot allow her to stay in their  home  indefinitely.  Smart move.  Thus,  our daughter’s next step is to talk to her bf to allow her to move in with him.  Well, the bf, being more mature than her explained to her that he would not “jinx” his relationship with her by living in with her.  Another smart move.   It may seem things are going in our favor.  We are hoping she can just go back to our homeschooling and get her high school diploma at the end of the year.

But, no.  She will not settle for that.  When all the doors closed for her, she did a RAD thing.  She punished us.   She moved to plan D.  To contact her birth mother and live with her.  Should be nothing wrong with that, but her birth mother abandoned her when she was a kid.  She abused her.  She has Borderline Personality Disorder.   Why would she even dare go back to her?

Well, the point is she did.  She is with her birth mother right now.

Our mistake is we thought she would not dare do that.  We thought she was already on our side.

We forgot that she is only in our side in as far as we are doing what she wants.  When we say “no” to her,  it is a different story.

We offered her what she wanted before she left.  But, we realized, this is not what she really wanted.

She needed to go back to her birth mother consciously and unconsciously to solve the abandonment she felt when the birth mother left her.

And, when her birth mother welcomed her back.  She left us  in a cold and heartless  manner,  with no sympathy for what we have been protecting her from in the first place.

More on the next post…

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