Yesterday afternoon, my daughter lifted her laundry basket down the stairs, as I rearrange our formal living room. She walked past me out to the door. She came back and I asked her, “What are you doing?” She told me “I am leaving.” She went upstairs and I knew she will get more of her stuff.
A few months ago, she and her bf talked to us about their relationship and how much they loved each other. Since my husband and I both believed in courtship instead of dating, our discussion did not end well. I had no problems with the guy she was dating. My problem is she is RAD and I do not have the confidence that she would do well in this relationship at this point and time. In my mother world, she is making progress in healing, why add another variable to the equation and make life less predictable?
That is what is convenient for me.
But for a RAD teen in love, this is a recipe for disaster and more trouble.
After much discussion, I realized that there is no use making sense for she does not hear. When a RAD teen wants something, rarely can you stop them.
So, my husband and I blindly, unofficially allowed the relationship as long as it stays clean and in our terms.
Our daughter could not handle mixing her studies with this relationship. Instead of doing her online high school courses, she was chatting with him in Google Talk.
Pretty soon, the school year was over. She still had 4 courses to go before she can graduate from high school. The last course she took in our homeschool program is equivalent to AP US History. If she passes this course and reviewer, she gets 3 college credits. Imagine saving her about $3000 in tuition fees for 3 college credits. It would have been a phenomenal plan but the bad news is she hates US History. She already convinced herself that she cannot learn US History. It is just too boring for her.
So, what motivation can we give her to finish US History? There was a Senior Formal Prom in the homeschool group in our area. She was looking forward to that. So, we made a deal with her that she can attend the PROM with her bf as long as she passes US History. She does not need a high grade, only to pass the course. Wow, I’ve never seen her work so hard in her life. She was studying for 10 hours a day. However, most days she was very distracted especially when the date of the dance was approaching.
Long story short, she failed the practice test. Supposedly, the deal was there is no “dance”. But, I caved in and allowed her to go.
When the prom was over, there was no more incentive for her to finish her courses. She knew there was another solution. She can take the GED.
Why was she in a hurry? She wanted to take “cosmetology” and that is all what she is thinking about. She likes playing around and cutting other people’s hair, she figured she can make lots of money and she can get her own place and start living her life. All she thinks about is marrying her bf. It sounded like a great plan except we are not ready to do it her way.
We wanted her to finish the 4 courses in our homeschool program. We want her to consider going to college. We wanted her not to quit when the going gets rough. We wanted her to catch on to the reasons why we homeschooled her : to heal and continue healing.
But, unfortunately, she used the “I’m 18 now and I can do what I feel I need to do in my life.”
This is still in the realm of a normal teen life. There is still nothing RAD in this right?
Not exactly.
When we explained further how we can make this work, she already closed her heart. She is head strong in getting her GED. And, she told my husband that we are preventing her from getting it. A war broke out. Her war to prove to the world that she is in prison and that she has no freedom in our home
Now, that seems to be still teenager-like issue, right?
Not exactly.
She talked to the mother of her bf and started to get her sympathy. The mother did not see anything wrong with getting a GED. Long story, short, she came to our house to talk us into giving in to our daughter and allow her to take her GED. At this point and time, I do not wish to discuss why we would prefer her to take the GED rather than finish her high school diploma but we have good reasons.
When she realized that this action did not help change our minds, she went the next step. She threatened that she will move out and leave the house now! And, we cannot do anything about it.
Where would she go?
Her bf’s mother made it clear to us that they cannot allow her to stay in their home indefinitely. Smart move. Thus, our daughter’s next step is to talk to her bf to allow her to move in with him. Well, the bf, being more mature than her explained to her that he would not “jinx” his relationship with her by living in with her. Another smart move. It may seem things are going in our favor. We are hoping she can just go back to our homeschooling and get her high school diploma at the end of the year.
But, no. She will not settle for that. When all the doors closed for her, she did a RAD thing. She punished us. She moved to plan D. To contact her birth mother and live with her. Should be nothing wrong with that, but her birth mother abandoned her when she was a kid. She abused her. She has Borderline Personality Disorder. Why would she even dare go back to her?
Well, the point is she did. She is with her birth mother right now.
Our mistake is we thought she would not dare do that. We thought she was already on our side.
We forgot that she is only in our side in as far as we are doing what she wants. When we say “no” to her, it is a different story.
We offered her what she wanted before she left. But, we realized, this is not what she really wanted.
She needed to go back to her birth mother consciously and unconsciously to solve the abandonment she felt when the birth mother left her.
And, when her birth mother welcomed her back. She left us in a cold and heartless manner, with no sympathy for what we have been protecting her from in the first place.
More on the next post…
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